A Guided Meditation: Not A Tongue Lashing

Text:  James 3: 1-18 

For the last two Sundays we have been talking about the topic of listening.  Now I hope you have some interest in listening to the topic of talking. After the service tonight we’ll do both in the 6:00 hour: talk and listen in ways that help us understand how better to meet needs within our church family. We want to take seriously our responsibility to listen deeply so that we can understand others—and also take seriously our responsibility to speak directly, honestly, and gently for the common good.  

Previously, the writer of James urged us to speak less and listen more.  That’s hard enough advice to take.  But today’s passage reminds us of how difficult it is, when we do say something, to choose those words carefully.  James warns me with vivid examples—as if I don’t have plenty of personal experience with this—that what I say can get me into a world of trouble.

You, too, have agonized over words that felt good to get out but later came back to haunt you. You, too, have replayed in your mind statements you made with the best of intentions but later realized were, at best, unnecessary. Maybe you, too, have noticed the way random thoughts wandering harmlessly around inside the brain somehow sneak out of the mouth. How does that happen?  Why couldn’t God have created our bodies with greater distance between brain and tongue. If only our tongues were attached to our feet—then the tongue might be far enough from the brain so we might intercept the errant idiotic comment before the tongue could broadcast it.   

Sometimes the problem is not even the words themselves but the tone.  We have to guard not only what we say but how we say it.

These days we have the power to spread embarrassing or hurtful words like wildfire by emailing or texting or tweeting.  New technologies increase the reach of our words and thus the probability we might say something injurious.

Sadly, poor communication can create estrangement, unhealthy relationships, job incompetence and dissatisfaction, stress, medical problems, even death. Sadly, too few of us give the gift of selfless listening to hear another soul into some newer understanding or some deeper connection.  Too seldom do we take the risk of sharing what really matters: those carefully guarded feelings, a differing point of view. Relationships wither for want of the chance to listen deeply and to speak authentically because “proximity without intimacy is inevitably destructive” (Bolton 6).  Congregations and families become dysfunctional when members can’t hear differing perspectives without feeling anxious, when they can’t speak directly while remaining gentle and respectful.

Like any congregation, we’ll benefit from occasional refreshers on good communication skills.  But a faith community relies more on the loving work of the Spirit than on communication skills we learned in Speech 101. Compassionate listening and speaking are less about proper technique than a centered self. This hour is dedicated to prayer and meditation, which give us the spiritual foundation to care enough about others, about our church, and about ourselves in order to speak compassionately and honestly, to listen generously and discerningly.

The passage from James, if we read it through our own culture’s predilection for control, can cause us to fear the vital power that is human communication, to try to achieve power over the tongue.  In dire tones, James warns that the human tongue, so small compared to the whole body, controls our destiny.  The tongue controls us, says James, like a bridle guides a horse or a rudder directs a ship.  The tongue, like a flame that can set a whole forest blaze, wields great potential for destruction.  It’s true.  Let’s recognize this power!  But let’s not refuse to use it. Let’s become mindful of the patterns of our speaking and listening without becoming paralyzed by self-consciousness and guilt.  Let us know ourselves at a very deep level through a union with God and a love of all others.

So for this moment let James shake you by the shoulders and tell you to watch what you say.  Truly great harm can come from our words.  This very week we have learned that an anti-Islam Youtube video likely had a role in sparking Muslim protests that fanned into destructive fires across the Middle East. But rest in the awareness that we don't have to strive anxiously for control of our tongues; instead, we yield to God's compassionate and empathetic way.

I invite you now into a time of guided meditation.  If it helps you focus, feel free to take a pen or pencil and jot down thoughts during this meditation time: Get comfortable.  Remember that our life in God deepens by letting go rather than achieving and attaining.

As you gaze upon the candles on the altar, image that one of those flames is a word you believe you may need to say to someone.  Maybe what you want to say is fraught with risk. Maybe you don’t want to say it but you feel you ought to say it.  But you’re not sure.  As you continue watching the candles burn, imagine that your words might bring greater light to someone.  However, your words, if dropped carelessly like a candle on the altar cloth, could cause destruction.  Should you have this conversation or not?  First consider if the impulse to share comes from compassion or ego. Sometimes we’re quick to appoint ourselves as God’s advisors to folks we may not even know well and who’ve given no indication they would appreciate our counsel.  Other times we’re cowards about confronting an injustice or asserting our needs.  If you’re having trouble discerning whether or not to confront someone with your truth—it’s never THE truth—or to confide in someone with your vulnerable feelings, then consider the following widely recommended 3-question test, attributed variously (from Socrates to Sufi sages).  Ask yourself in a spirit of prayerful discernment:

Is it true?     

Is it kind?       

Is it necessary?

Then once more use the heart test.  Can you speak to him or her while holding that person compassionately in your heart?  Imagine your heart expanding so that you make space for him or her.

SILENCE

Move now from considering a future conversation to reflecting on past experiences when you’ve said things you later came to regret.  Try to think of two or three examples when you afterward regretted your words.  What’s the common thread that runs through each of these scenarios?  What was steering you to say these words?  Were you overly influenced by another person?  By an uncomfortable emotion? What do you notice about your motives going into that conversation or the people who heard the regretful words or the way you said the words?  Is there a pattern worth noticing?

SILENCE . . . .Give thanks for this new insight.

Finally, imagine that someone wants to speak to you, someone who is troubled, someone who has perhaps never before approached you, or someone who seeks you out from time to time for your listening ear. This person has a difficult word to share with you.  It is hard for him or her to share it.  Or it might be hard for you to hear.  Prepare yourself for this conversation by extending compassion to this person, imagining this conversation as opportunity for personal growth. Begin by aligning your intentions for this person and your self-care with God’s loving intentions.

SILENCE

The next song we sing as a prayer includes this plea: 
“Christ, restrain me.”  Christ, restrain me from saying too much or from saying the wrong words.  But the song also pleads, “Christ, release me.”  Let’s now pray silently for both of these things: that we would withhold words that are not serving Christ’s peace and love; that we will feel released and indeed emboldened to say words of love and justice.

*Bolton, Robert.  People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflict. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1979.